Things were done. I saw what truly upset me, I think about it still. I miss what I didn't know, but it was part of me and I'll never truly forgive myself. When I think about it, I feel sad.
My sister just had a gorgeous baby boy, I'm so happy for her.
It's not that I want a baby, but when I see little Corey, my new nephew, I understand that what I gave up was real.
An actual life, and I'm so sorry for that.
Wednesday 13 July 2011
Wednesday 15 June 2011
Being pregnant
Now the waiting begun. In a way I was glad because I knew the exact date now and was able to prepare for it.
Either that or dwell on it too much.
I was really starting to feel the effects of pregnancy now. My hormones were raging, my stomach was swollen, I felt unattractive, had major fatigue, nightime pees and even milking breasts.
This was so weird to me.
As time progressed, I thought about what was happening.
Mostly before bed time, and I'd be lying if I said I never cried about it.
Either that or dwell on it too much.
I was really starting to feel the effects of pregnancy now. My hormones were raging, my stomach was swollen, I felt unattractive, had major fatigue, nightime pees and even milking breasts.
This was so weird to me.
As time progressed, I thought about what was happening.
Mostly before bed time, and I'd be lying if I said I never cried about it.
The journey continues
As I left the room, me and Steve exchanged glances but took it in our stride. This journey was so weird, nothing phased me.
After waiting for about 45 minutes in the seating area, a nurse called me through to a room where a trainee nurse sat and observed.
The nurse typically talked me through the method, asked me some health related questions and gave me a date.
Wait, what? A date? I was so confused by now and didn't understand why I was here afterall.
'The next available date is in the middle of June I'm afraid. But do not worry because you are still able to have the medical abortion at this stage.' Said the nurse matter-of-factly.
'I'm sorry, I don't understand. I was under the impression that I was having the procedure done here?' I asked, concerned.
The nurses turned to look at eachother, and the main nurse finally spoke, ' We don't perform abortions here. This is just to refer you.'
Now I was nnoyed. I had gone from surgery to surgery, appointment to appointment and had been referred for my abortion already. Or so I thought. Now this journey was much anticipated for nothing. I wouldn't be having the procedure for another month!
This was getting difficult.
After waiting for about 45 minutes in the seating area, a nurse called me through to a room where a trainee nurse sat and observed.
The nurse typically talked me through the method, asked me some health related questions and gave me a date.
Wait, what? A date? I was so confused by now and didn't understand why I was here afterall.
'The next available date is in the middle of June I'm afraid. But do not worry because you are still able to have the medical abortion at this stage.' Said the nurse matter-of-factly.
'I'm sorry, I don't understand. I was under the impression that I was having the procedure done here?' I asked, concerned.
The nurses turned to look at eachother, and the main nurse finally spoke, ' We don't perform abortions here. This is just to refer you.'
Now I was nnoyed. I had gone from surgery to surgery, appointment to appointment and had been referred for my abortion already. Or so I thought. Now this journey was much anticipated for nothing. I wouldn't be having the procedure for another month!
This was getting difficult.
Well I didn't expect that
Two days blurred by until I had to travel on the motorway for a hospital appointment that was out of my hometown. Here I was, ready to begin the abortion process and boy I couldn't wait for it to be over with.
I arrived at the hospital half an hour after departure and was directed upstairs to the baby ward. I must say, this was rather awkward and it was a good idea I was set on my decision, because for any woman going through abortion it is truly heartwrtenching viewing smiling mums to be and newborn babyphotos on every wall.
The nurse in reception greeted me in a friendly manner and asked me pleasantly to take a seat in the waiting room. I did so, and I must say her smile made me feel better. Until I saw the doctor and was given a sheet to show reception so that I could be taken down to the ultrasound unit.
The minute the nurse clasped eyes upon the sheet in my hand, she understood why I was there and it would be an understatement to say she looked disapproving. Another case of awakwardness.
She smugly handed the paper to another nurse to deal with me. Call me paranoid but I think I know why she was acting that way. Anyhow, I was led to the ultrasound room and the cold gel was applied to my lower stomach.
Before the scan the nurse askd me, 'How far along in the pregnancy do you think you are?'
I thought this was weird, because I knew, I didn't think.
So I replied, 'I had a scan saying I am 8 weeks pregnant.'
The nurse looked at me in a confused manner whilst she scrunched up her nose.
'Then why are you having another scan?' She askd, quizzically.
'I'm not sure,' I replied. 'I was sent here by my GP.'
The nurse took this information in, wiped the gel away and sent me out the door and back to the waiting room to see the doctor.
I arrived at the hospital half an hour after departure and was directed upstairs to the baby ward. I must say, this was rather awkward and it was a good idea I was set on my decision, because for any woman going through abortion it is truly heartwrtenching viewing smiling mums to be and newborn babyphotos on every wall.
The nurse in reception greeted me in a friendly manner and asked me pleasantly to take a seat in the waiting room. I did so, and I must say her smile made me feel better. Until I saw the doctor and was given a sheet to show reception so that I could be taken down to the ultrasound unit.
The minute the nurse clasped eyes upon the sheet in my hand, she understood why I was there and it would be an understatement to say she looked disapproving. Another case of awakwardness.
She smugly handed the paper to another nurse to deal with me. Call me paranoid but I think I know why she was acting that way. Anyhow, I was led to the ultrasound room and the cold gel was applied to my lower stomach.
Before the scan the nurse askd me, 'How far along in the pregnancy do you think you are?'
I thought this was weird, because I knew, I didn't think.
So I replied, 'I had a scan saying I am 8 weeks pregnant.'
The nurse looked at me in a confused manner whilst she scrunched up her nose.
'Then why are you having another scan?' She askd, quizzically.
'I'm not sure,' I replied. 'I was sent here by my GP.'
The nurse took this information in, wiped the gel away and sent me out the door and back to the waiting room to see the doctor.
More appointments
Following the scan, I couldn't get it out of my mind. It was so incredibly surreal that after all of this time thinking I was infertile, there was a baby growing in my stomach. Of course it was nothing more than an embryo at this time, but still.
However, no matter how much that moment touched me and will stick in my head forever, I knew what I had to do and there was no other way about it. Whereas many may disagree with what I had decided, it didn't matter to me. It felt more cruel to bring a child into an unstable world than to abort it. All that mattered was how I felt about the situation, and Steve aswell.
I got an appointment back at my GP where I spoke to the same male doctor I had before. I told him I was 8 weeks pregnant, he explained the medical abortion would be the method I'd undergo, gave me a date for the Doctors and away I went.
However, no matter how much that moment touched me and will stick in my head forever, I knew what I had to do and there was no other way about it. Whereas many may disagree with what I had decided, it didn't matter to me. It felt more cruel to bring a child into an unstable world than to abort it. All that mattered was how I felt about the situation, and Steve aswell.
I got an appointment back at my GP where I spoke to the same male doctor I had before. I told him I was 8 weeks pregnant, he explained the medical abortion would be the method I'd undergo, gave me a date for the Doctors and away I went.
Thursday 9 June 2011
The peanut
The days passed by and I continued to get on with my life, well, I tried. It seemed in the mere short time I had found out about this life growing inside of me, everything turned upside down.
My mood swings were crazy, poor Steve had to feel my wrath on more than one occasion. My tears soaked my pillows most nights, not just because of the depression but because of the sadness that filled me, knowing what I was in for. Constantly in the back of my mind I couldn't erase the pit of total heartache. It affected me in more ways than one, but I had only myself to blame.
As upset as I was, I plodded along and took everything in my stride. I knew this was what I wanted and as much as I hated the decision and how evil I felt for doing it; it was for the best, and I took that lightly.
Following my meetings with two different Doctor's, the time had come for my hospital appointment where I would find out how far along in the pregnancy I was.
The nurse greeted me in what seemed a less than polite manner, which I pretty much expected. They hope to see patients excited for life, not those who wish to erase it completely. She asked me how far along I thought I might be, but I really had no idea. My stomach was not huge but rather bloated, so I thought a couple of months at least. I hoped in my mind that it was possible for me to abort. I couldn't imagine having a child at such a young age.
I lay horizontally on the hospital bed in a dark, quiet room with various types of equipment in each corner. Steve accompanied me at all times, which I loved. He knew he had to comfort me and he knew we should both face up to the horrible situation we had got ourselves into.
The nurse squeezed a tube of cold, thick, jelly onto the lower area of my stomach. I had been told to have a full bladder when attending the appointment, which proved uncomfortable when the nurse pressed hard to get the image of what was growing inside me on the scan screen. I thought I might actually pee.
Anyhow, after some movement of trying to distinguish and find the sac with the embryo, there it was on the screen. So small.
'You look to be about 8 weeks pregnant.' Said the nurse in a gentle tone. I nodded, and stared at the peanut I could see on the screen in front of me. I felt relieved, but also quite amazed. Something pulled at the strings of my heart in that particular moment.
My mood swings were crazy, poor Steve had to feel my wrath on more than one occasion. My tears soaked my pillows most nights, not just because of the depression but because of the sadness that filled me, knowing what I was in for. Constantly in the back of my mind I couldn't erase the pit of total heartache. It affected me in more ways than one, but I had only myself to blame.
As upset as I was, I plodded along and took everything in my stride. I knew this was what I wanted and as much as I hated the decision and how evil I felt for doing it; it was for the best, and I took that lightly.
Following my meetings with two different Doctor's, the time had come for my hospital appointment where I would find out how far along in the pregnancy I was.
The nurse greeted me in what seemed a less than polite manner, which I pretty much expected. They hope to see patients excited for life, not those who wish to erase it completely. She asked me how far along I thought I might be, but I really had no idea. My stomach was not huge but rather bloated, so I thought a couple of months at least. I hoped in my mind that it was possible for me to abort. I couldn't imagine having a child at such a young age.
I lay horizontally on the hospital bed in a dark, quiet room with various types of equipment in each corner. Steve accompanied me at all times, which I loved. He knew he had to comfort me and he knew we should both face up to the horrible situation we had got ourselves into.
The nurse squeezed a tube of cold, thick, jelly onto the lower area of my stomach. I had been told to have a full bladder when attending the appointment, which proved uncomfortable when the nurse pressed hard to get the image of what was growing inside me on the scan screen. I thought I might actually pee.
Anyhow, after some movement of trying to distinguish and find the sac with the embryo, there it was on the screen. So small.
'You look to be about 8 weeks pregnant.' Said the nurse in a gentle tone. I nodded, and stared at the peanut I could see on the screen in front of me. I felt relieved, but also quite amazed. Something pulled at the strings of my heart in that particular moment.
Wednesday 8 June 2011
The pain of waiting
More Doctor's appointments were made, but I was sure not to see the Doctor I once had. I don't know why, but I felt shame for being so stupid and thinking I wouldn't get pregnant. I was embarassed.
I saw a female Doctor the following day after discovering I was pregnant, who talked me through the methods. I was still unsure of how far into the pregnancy I was, because my irregular periods allowed me to lose track so easily.
The Doctor I saw was kind, but I could see in her eyes she wanted me to keep this baby.
'So many women I have seen wanting abortions and they regret it,' She told me softly. 'I hope you think about this completely before going through with it. It's tougher than you think.'
I was beginning to understand what she meant when she said it was tougher, but I was firm and stuck on my decision. I simply was not ready, and was prepared for the hurt and upset that I deserved from being so careless.
The Doctor continued to speak, as I listened.
'I understandit's difficult, and I wish I could refer you right away. However, I do not support abortion and therefore am not able to refer you. I'll make an appointment with another Doctor for you. This afternoon okay?' She asked me politely.
I was a bit shocked and hurt at what she had told me. It made me feel even more guilty, but I had to deal with the guilt I guess. I agreed to see another Doctor, thanked her for the help and went on my way.
Later that day
After a short rest at home, I returned to the surgery for a further appointment with an older, male Doctor. He was just as polite, asked me how I was feeling, did some tests and referred me. Not before he pressed on my stomach to determine how pregnant I was though.
After some prodding and poking, he told me he thought I may be 3 months. This scared me, as I knew there were more difficult procedures if you were further along in the pregnancy. But to be sure, he sent me to the hospital the following morning for a scan.
Things seemed to be moving fast.
I saw a female Doctor the following day after discovering I was pregnant, who talked me through the methods. I was still unsure of how far into the pregnancy I was, because my irregular periods allowed me to lose track so easily.
The Doctor I saw was kind, but I could see in her eyes she wanted me to keep this baby.
'So many women I have seen wanting abortions and they regret it,' She told me softly. 'I hope you think about this completely before going through with it. It's tougher than you think.'
I was beginning to understand what she meant when she said it was tougher, but I was firm and stuck on my decision. I simply was not ready, and was prepared for the hurt and upset that I deserved from being so careless.
The Doctor continued to speak, as I listened.
'I understandit's difficult, and I wish I could refer you right away. However, I do not support abortion and therefore am not able to refer you. I'll make an appointment with another Doctor for you. This afternoon okay?' She asked me politely.
I was a bit shocked and hurt at what she had told me. It made me feel even more guilty, but I had to deal with the guilt I guess. I agreed to see another Doctor, thanked her for the help and went on my way.
Later that day
After a short rest at home, I returned to the surgery for a further appointment with an older, male Doctor. He was just as polite, asked me how I was feeling, did some tests and referred me. Not before he pressed on my stomach to determine how pregnant I was though.
After some prodding and poking, he told me he thought I may be 3 months. This scared me, as I knew there were more difficult procedures if you were further along in the pregnancy. But to be sure, he sent me to the hospital the following morning for a scan.
Things seemed to be moving fast.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)